What's fresh and new in the life and work of Seska Lee.

The Feel and Shape of Sexy
10-02-05

I made a Twitter post while at the coffee shop today. It was about my menstrual cycle and how it affects how I feel about myself. I was having a green tea which is supposed to be good for menstrual cramps. I am coming up on that part of my cycle. Right now though what I am experiencing is the fullness of my breasts. They can be quite sensitive at this time. They require TLC when you touch them. You being someone else or myself. I love the feeling and the look of them though. It adds to my version of the hourglass shape. I definitely have the pear thing going on, but when my breasts are a bit fuller I can see my figure going towards the hourglass shape. This makes me feel sexy. Very sexy. A certain roundness, a certain curviness is sexy to me.

I met a woman who had natural 1970s porn star breasts. They were amazing. I was in awe of them. She was full figured, for sure. Like the models for plus size underwear. It is a look I just adore. It is different from my own, but it also does not seem that different because the way I feel about my own female body is what I felt about hers. It was about honoring of the female form, the goddess, the Earth Mother. It made me feel sexy about myself to just look at her.

I am not feeling so lost about the my feelings for the bartender. Not so in despair. The first two days were like I was in a fog as I tried to remember what was actually said. For every 100 words I said he said .02 of them. I think I tried to reassure him that I was OK. I tried to be mature. I think I was stunned and overwhelmed. I did what I could to read his face since so few words came from his mouth. I think I was lost in the idea of goodbye.

About the talking: I wish this was not the case. I wish I did not have to express every feeling and thought in order for me to experience those feelings and thoughts. If I don't verbalize them I am overwhelmed. If I don't speak I do not know what I am feeling. It seems to be the way I have been built. Normally, I am among other chatty people so my own chattiness does not stand out so much. With him it was beyond obvious. I felt so awkward, so annoying. But trying to be silent just made me anxious and made me talk more.

In any case, I am feeling a little bit clearer about what happened. I am not sure what the future holds. Perhaps we will be actual friends not just former lovers. Perhaps we will reconnect on some sort of intimate level. I am not sure. I do not think it is a clean break and that we will never cross paths again. But what I do know is that I miss him. There was something about our connection and our time together that made me like myself more. I felt so sexy with him. I became more gentle with myself. I enjoyed my sexuality in a way I had not before.

I am reminded of this because I am at this stage of my cycle, with all these sexy, sensual feminine feelings coursing though every cell of my body. I want to share it with him. It is what I did these past 5 months. I suppose I have to find some other outlet.

Now you may ask, why not focus on James? I do, but our dynamic is different. We have a 16 year history and we are in a place of comfort and attachment. In any case, I feel our sexual dynamic has always been a different one. Cerebral. About ideas and specific kinks. It does not lend itself to this particular feeling I am experiencing. It is about other things. Good things, but different things.

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Yesterday & Today
10-02-04

Yesterday I took it easy. I finished up An Echo in the Bone and then watched LOST. I did a little webmaster work for some clients and a little organizing of laundry (folded but not yet put away). Then I went to the gym to workout and enjoyed a little hydrotherapy circuit with my best friend SP. After I came home and watched a movie with James. He got me veggie sushi for supper. It was a nice easy going day. Just the kind I need for my mood this year.

Today I have some laundry to finish up, a meeting to attend and then a corporate burlesque gig tonight (no boobies allowed). The theme is après ski and 4 numbers are required in total. We are three performers (me, L. Diablo and Miss Sugarpuss) so we each have a solo and 1 group number. We really made an effort to come up with snowy numbers but it was really hard. I am doing something a wee bit glamorous in a very fake fur coat. The other gals are doing a snowsuit number and snowflake number.

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Turning 39
10-02-03

So this is 39. Wow. How did that happen? So much has happened in the past 20 or so years of adulthood yet I feel like I am still in my infancy as a human being. I am still learning and growing and figuring things out.

I gave myself a hard look in the mirror and I felt pretty good with what I saw. I have a few tiny lines around the eyes and my skin doesn't quite bounce back like it used to. I am at a decent weight for my age though not the athlete I was 3 years ago. I still have bags, but I have had them since I was a little girl. If you are thinking 'what bags?', for photos I either have them photoshopped out or wear my glasses to hide them. Its pretty much the only touch-up I have ever requested from photographers. Oh, and pimples. I am not a fan of them either. The video though is me, all me.

All to say, I am doing OK.

My heart is doing OK too. Just barely OK though. The bartender sent me a couple of thoughtful texts. One to clarify things and one to wish me happy brithday. It softened me up a little, but it didn't have me running to his place to beg to have him take me back nor have me perform voodoo on rituals to make him suffer. I felt sad and I acknowledged my complicated feelings and went back to trying to focus on the things I need to do. I am going to be practical for a while.

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Twilight Zone
10-02-02

Oh, how emotions can play tricks on the body! I am hungry but I am not. I am tired but I am not. I am awake but I am not. It is like I am in some sort of personal Twilight Zone. Does the body do this to protect itself? I am wondering if I let myself feel all the deep dark things that are lingering below the surface if my mind could handle it. Would I fall apart? Would I do something reckless and dangerous?

I know that sounds super dramatic. I do not mean it that way. It just feels better to write about it. It helps me process. I have a good perspective on life. I know pain passes. You can heal from losses. It just feels awful for a while. This wound is so new. I saw it coming but had no idea it was going to be inflicted 2 days before turning 39. Bad timing. Oh well. And so the wound is numb until it starts to heal. Then it really starts to hurt. I think I am at the numb stage heading towards the pain. I just have so much to do. I cannot stop and fall apart.

This afternoon I got a text from the crush (the one who had me fixated and dizzy with lust a couple years back and who is a very occasional hook-up). What timing? I do not know what to think. The guy was never good at follow though so I am not expecting an actual encounter. Still, what a time for flirtation? I am very confused. Do I encourage the flirtation or do just embrace the sick feeling I have over this new loss? I also had a girlfriend contact me about my birthday. There was innuendo in her email. I cannot wrap my brain around it. I want him to want me. But he doesn't.

Webcam show tonight. The show must go on and just as when things ended things with Joe a few weeks ago, please do not mention my recent heartbreak during my show. It is the last thing I want to think of as I get naked and all that webcam show jazz.

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And So It Goes
10-02-01

My birthday is in 2 days. I am turning 39. I have been having a rough time of it. I am feeling the pressure of being middle age. I am questioning everything. I am feeling insecure about my health, my looks, my financial status, my choices- both personal and work-wise. It has been a challenging few months and has come to some sort of point where I know I must take care of myself. I feel a wee bit better today - even after what juts happened (more on that below). I am feeling more confident and secure. I am not feeling so panicked. Terribly sad though.

The bartender and I ended things today. Well, at least for a bit. There were no declarations of this being the end forever. He is overwhelmed by my situation and what he wants from his. When we met he was just out of a 2-year on-again-off-again relationship. He didn't want anything serious. It seemed good on paper. I was this married woman. I was a novelty*. Then things changed and we both fell hard. There was plenty of little dramatic moments due to the ex and how his circle of friends were handling the idea and reality of us, but when we were alone it was so simple and blissful.

Fast forward a couple of months and he is still dealing with fallout with his ex and now there is a new girl he is seeing. I suppose his brain, due to cultural expectations, is hardwired for monogamy or flings and nothing in between. It is all a bit much for him. We didn't talk about what he was going to do about the ex or the new girl. I have a feeling it is just me on her way and it does hurt that I might be the only one that had to be removed from the equation. Classic, it's not you, it's me (but really it's you).

The new girl has told him that she is cool with his situation - seeing the married lady (me) and his other ladies on the side. But I will say from experience if things become habitual they will become meaningful. If you want casual then you have to make sure it stays casual. I tried and failed. I didn't leave things at his place. I strived to make things unpredictable. I went out of my way to respect the ex and his options to be with girls. Not nearly enough to keep things casual. I should have kept my distance.

He mentioned how he does not fit into my life. Perhaps. But I think in part it is because I never asked him to and he never tried. He was a satellite to my world. Never living and breathing it. Just hearing about it from me. We experienced things only in his world - his bar, his band, his friends, his bed. These things are so a part of his everyday existence, his identity, his soul that I am not sure he can break free of them. I get this. I have my own little foundation, but I am comfortable outside of it as well. As a sex worker I could easily isolate myself (and when I get hurt I feel perhaps I should), but I have tried to expand my world and do feel myself richer for it. Being with him and in his world was just such an experience. I wish we could have figured out together how to get him to experience mine.

While I was away last week I was feeling especially alone and vulnerable. I knew he was hooking up with the new girl. In theory I was fine with that but emotionally I was a bit jealous and a whole lot envious. Jealous that she was lying naked with him, feeling his warmth, that the cat would sleep at her head. I was far away and alone. Envious because I wanted to be as carefree as he was seemingly being. There was opportunity but the desire just was not there. All I wanted was the bartender.

My insecure part is terrified that now that I have done the mature thing and given him this space in a drama free way that he will get serious with his recent hook-up, that he will accept drama from the others, and he will simply forget me. I personally do not believe you can have intense lustful romantic feelings for more than one person at a time. You can have attractions and desires, but not of the same intensity. I think we were that big crazy feeling for one another and with me gone he can slip into that with someone else. My heart fears this but also is OK with it because if that happens, then he is happy and that is my bottom line desire for him. Me and him right now is not making him happy.

* "I considered you a novelty." Oh, how those words still sting as much as when he first said them. Even if things are casual and you are this married porn performer open relationship person you do not want to be considered a novelty. At least I don't.

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Fundraisers for Haiti
10-01-22

Besides making personal donations I took part in a fundraiser on Thursday. There were such events in Montreal this past week. Every bit helps but of course, so much needs to be done - not just now but for months and years to come.

Canada for Haiti - super easy to donate online (it took me 3 minutes) and the federal government will match our personal donations up to 50 million. I also heard on the news that donation from now until the second week of February can be counted towards your 2009 income tax return.

A Case of the Late Night Visions
10-01-19

I am not sure if what I had was a dream or a vision. It is hard for me to know because when I have this experience, and I do most every night, I feel like I am in two places at one time. Last night it happened at 2:10am. I saw myself and then felt myself standing on a bare stage. There is no audience. I am wearing a black slip. I am barefoot and there is a black satin blindfold over my eyes. I feel him approaching me from behind. There is electricity in the air and I feel my body coming alive with anticipation. He gently kisses the nape of my neck and then his hand touches mine and he brushes his fingertips up towards my shoulder before turning me around for a kiss.

If only all my late night experiences where like this. They are most often anxious and agitated experiences. I often see spiders or other creatures and objects on my walls or hovering nearby. I know I am not the only person who does this. My massage therapist told me she sees much the same things before coming to her senses and knowing that what she sees is not real.

I assume it is the mind playing a trick on you as you enter the different stages of sleep. it never happens when I am in REM sleep. I am not sure when it happens in NREM though as it is not at all like the repetitive and mundane dreams you can have then. I need to learn more about this. If only to harness the experience and make it sleeping adventure for myself.

I have been able to lucid dream at different times of my life. It does require some meditation before sleep and some concentration and confidence over all. Perhaps if I get into the habit again I can use this skill during this witching hour of mine.

Tonight's live webcam show is at a special time: 6pm Eastern. Tune into SexCamCentral to view and chat. It is free for members of my site and other network sites.

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Idle Hands are the Devil's Tools
10-01-18

And in my case they lead to late night Twittering.

So what has it all been about? Especially the cryptic, rather dramatic posts? I am not going to tell you. I like them cryptic. I already share so much on my website. I already explain myself so much. It is nice to have a public space where I can be cryptic. It is my own little form of poetry that can be interpreted differently by whomever reads it. Plus, not revealing all adds a little mystery. Right now that feels right for me. I do not want to show all my cards.

What I will say is that I have a tendency to make declarations. I have a tendency to feel the big feelings fast and furious. Twitter is such a convenient platform for me to express them. But sometimes I do not have all the facts and I include things that do not reflect the larger picture. So I jot them down later on in a personal journal, add a side note or two to my entry and then delete.

In any case, in the future you won't be finding such posts there anymore. I have been thinking for sometime that I need some sort of other journal where I do not have to censor myself. It needs to be online and have mobile access. I am not really into writing by pencil for absolutely everything. I like being a little techy about it. I tend to have my phone, laptop or iPod Touch with me where every I go. I do not always have my notebooks. Plus, someone finding my notebook or seeing me scribbling frantically will defeat that purpose. By going tech there will be the privacy. if I am texting no one will be the wiser.

Being anonymous will be an interesting experiment. Do not worry, I will still write here and on Twitter. It just won't be so rash or so cryptic. A little thoughtfulness on one hand and a little spontaneity on the other will be interesting for me.

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Lovers in a Dangerous Time
10-01-13

I was on Twitter looking over recent postings. There were quite a few about the earthquake in Haiti. So devastating. Some mentioned ways of donating by texting certain numbers by cellphones. I am not yet comfortable with that so I made my donation online to the Canadian Red Cross Haiti Earthquake fund. HTTPS for me is the way to go. I hope they are able to access the disaster areas soon. I read that the road from the airport is blocked with debris. So troubling.

Makes my romance problems seem so petty. News like this is the kick in the pants I need to get my nose out of my belly button and see the bigger picture. Yes, that was a whole lot of cliché sayings there but they do apply and probably to most any Western world middle class stuff I deal with. Its a big world out there.

Granted, I think love angst is universal. We all want to be loved and to enjoy a close relationship with someone (or in poly cases like mine more than one someone). Of course, there are cultures where patriarchy limits things and bases male-female couplings to ownership and obligation to be domestic and service men sexually. So many cultures outside the West face poverty and environmental disasters in ways I cannot comprehend. Still, I would like to think that despite these dire circumstances that romance exists even there. Love is universal. It must be.

I was reading an astrological break down of me in terms of love affairs and how I deal with them. It says I am voluble. It is not a word I am familiar with so I looked it up.

Voluble

vol-u-ble [vol yuh buh|]

-adjective

characterized by a ready and continuous flow of words; fluent, glib; talkative; a voluble spokesman for the cause.

It is sooooo me.

I am still not sure if I am doing the right thing by writing about my feelings so much. It feels good to get them out. I have limited internal space for the frantic energy I feel. I have to express it. I go to the gym and run it out. I take to dancing in my underwear. I talk with friends. I write and write and write. If not for all these things I would burst. However, by purging my feelings (and worries about what my lovers are feeling and thinking) I might be just encouraging the frantic feelings. It becomes a vicious circle. I could journal privately (and I do) but then I would not be fulfilling this weird little life I have created for myself.

Sharing my experiences helps others. It has since I first began my site. Sometimes it is very concrete things like advice I have given to a couple who have not had sex in 5 years and with my little bit of help found themselves in bed together again. Sometimes it is more general. I share things about my struggles with porn and body image and women read it and feel better about porn, the women they see in porn and ultimately themselves. When I talk about my various relationships I get the most feedback.

Since I have gone a little OCD about writing and Twittering about my new lover I have received many comments and emails from people thanking me for sharing. Perhaps it is because I have been trying to be authentic and in the moment when I write while at the same time attempting to be self-reflective and learn from the experience. Maybe it is because people just enjoy watching a good train wreck waiting to happen. Let's hope that is not the case. It is not a premonition I want to come true. Like everyone, I want a happy ending. Especially in dangerous times.

Lovers in a Dangerous Time (Bruce Cockburn)

I remember listening to this song as a teenager in the 1980s, but only later,when I came across a website with all of his lyrics, did I get the poignancy of it. A song about how young lovers are living with such hopefulness for the future along with a sense of despair. I think this may be timeless at least in terms of the human world. Ending things on that dark note means I must now go find something to smile about. Off to look at video of kittens.

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